Welcome to My

Funny Stuff Page

Over the year's I have received

some Funny E-mails and Now I thought I would like to

share them with everyone

so enjoy and keep the Funny stuff coming

Send them to

Funny Stuff@Rauty Toy Shop.Com

HINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.... check it out these actual cases.

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of

forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male

was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and facemask.

A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from

massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive

identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully-clad

diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the

coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control

the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with

very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific,

the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in

the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

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Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the

kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into

gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it

burst through the glass patio doors. His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the

room to find her husband cut andbleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered

patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly

large hill, went downthe several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics

and escort them to herhusband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the

motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled

gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the

shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the

bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his

business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband

screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown

away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an

ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they

asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.

They started laughing so hard, one slipped, tipping the stretcher and

dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

________________________________________________________________

Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill

in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively

saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and

applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate

them both.

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Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically,

almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist

towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly

current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two

. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

________________________________________________________________

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs

to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke

loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless

protesters were trampled to death.

________________________________________________________________

What?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It

came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I Wish I Was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.

The "Stella" awards rank up there with the Darwin awards. Stella Liebeck is the 81 year old lady who spilled coffee on herself and sued McDonalds. This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award for the most frivolous lawsuits in the U.S. The following are previous year's candidates: 1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little boy was Ms. Robertson's son. 2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. 3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars. 4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. 5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms.Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. And the winner is: Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000, Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie. (Winnebago actually changed their handbooks on the back of this court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.)

Q:Why did the player bring a ghost to the game?

A:Because the coach told him to get a little spirit

Q:Why can’t a bank keep secrets?

A:Because there are so many tellers.

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't Work?

A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

11. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

12. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

13. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

14. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

15. Why did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

16. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile....

[These are real examples from real resumes]

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

--Responsibility makes me nervous.

--They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.

Couldn't work under those conditions.

--Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as

cockroaches.

--I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

--The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous

employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

--While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am

decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least

partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and

that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the

application of more rarefied facets of financial management as

the major sphere of responsibility.

--I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

--Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and

my employer does not know I am looking for another job.

--My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have

no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try

stock brokerage.

--I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

--Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

--Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

--Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.

--Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts

that arouse.

--Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

--I'm a rabid typist.

--Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest

chain operation.